4 x 5 TERROR!

There’s a stranger sitting across from me. His looks are clean, almost to a fault, but at the same time envious. He lights up a cigarette; he ashes it like my ex boyfriend. The thought of that time in my life makes me cringe. 

As the long, curling trails of smoke reach my nostrils, I wonder what this man smells like. I assume like cigarettes, clearly, but scents with smokers always come in pairs. People always say. “such and such smells like cinnamon and cigarettes,” or “vinegar and cigarettes” or “tanning lotion and cigarettes”. It’s never just cigarettes. 

I bite my lip and remember how I was once told that I smell like someone’s father, and how uncomfortable that made me. Nobody wants to smell like somebody else’s parents, even if it comforts them. 

I watch the stranger’s hands, as his fingers roll the cigarette, slowly, effortlessly. I follow the length of his arm to his shoulder, to his neck, his jaw, then his face. His hair is silky, but shaggy. He’s probably one of those people that just rolls out of bed looking completely put together. This irritates me. The thought crosses my mind that he looks too much like my best friend. 

I turn my gaze from the stranger and begin to look off to anywhere but him. I feel my face turn hopeless and longing. My stare is daze-like and blurred, and I know that I’m secretly begging anyone to notice me, to come up to me and ask me anything. I know they won’t, but I’ve played this game for as long as I can remember. Even when I was a child. I would pout and contort my face in the hopes that someone would notice. They never do. 

I come back to, and I’m eating tuna and tomatoes. It tastes terrible and I try pretending that I’m eating something else. I feel ill, almost on the verge of vomiting. I want to be away from where I am, anywhere. I suddenly realize the kind of person I’ve become; bitter, lonely, and stubborn. I’m afraid to ask myself how I ever became that way. My spine tightens, as a shiver runs up to my shoulders. I could cry. My throat restricts and I feel the familiar lump, combined with my eyes becoming glassy and wide. 

My sister used to tell me that I looked Asian when I laughed, because my eyes closed tightly. I told her she was racist, but she told me it was adorable. I think about her a lot, but talk to her very little. After she went through rehab, I felt there wasn’t much point to any of it any more. Things would happen and I would do what I could to keep myself alive. I sometimes wonder if she’s better now, or if she’s just as fucked as the rest of us. I wonder if I’m the only fucked one. 

Sisterhood of the Traveling 4x5

You find the one good 4x5 in the media cage and everyone wants a piece of it.

“My” camera I chose for the semester has been all around town with multiple people! What a damn floozy!

In other news, inspiration has been up and down lately. Bad times. I think today’s shoot injected a little motivation into moving forward with something slightly unplanned. I’ll have to wait until the film develops to know for sure.

Side-note: Never trust your digital camera’s reading. That, or remember that your 4x5’s lowest f-stop is 6.8. Lord.

Sorrow, Rage, & Envy… (Continued)

Before Moirberus came into existence, each aspect of his new form was created from that of three separate mortals stricken with the respective afflictions. 

As the story goes, each mortal had had a lover that betrayed them. In their attempts to cope with their losses, they became consumed with sorrow, rage, & envy. Sorrow for lost love. Rage against the wrongs felt. Envy of the others able have that which was stolen. 

Einysseus with sorrow, Zweitilius with rage, & Dreiferius with envy. Each mortal, unable to escape their personal woes, wished for only one thing; someone to share their feelings with. 

The Gods decided to give them exactly what they wanted and reformed the three mortals into the beast-like God, Moirberus. The three of them would spend eternity sharing in eachother’s turmoil, all the while feeding off the energies of the mortals who had fallen victim to the same emotions that their mortal selves had. 

(Source: rionsabean.com)

Sorrow, Rage, & Envy…

I began to explore my personal emotional states in a project at the beginning of the semester that was more closely tied to my essence of being in relation to personal, romantic levels & how changed one can become from just the touch of another.

From “Forever Changed”

This grew into more of a dissection of what I felt made me, me; or perhaps, what I felt were parts of myself that were too overwhelming to deny.

In pushing through, I decided to continue onward with the issues of emotions, self, and the idea of others determining (to some extent) the ways in which we live and function on a day to day basis. This brought about the metaphorical implications of becoming scarred, or calloused by past experiences with others. I also knew that I not only wanted to insert myself as model moving forward, but I also wanted to work-through the contemporary ways in which I was handling the photographs, and to also key in elements of the constrained, but beautiful, and almost feminine forms often seen in mythological imagery. And thus were born the following:

From “When Forever Will Never Be…”

In producing these images, while proud of the results, I knew I had to keep moving through these designs and find how I would continue growing this idea into something more, and much grander than my mortal self. From these aspects, I began to create this mythology surrounding my emotions and pulled in the three I felt defined my reasons for inner turmoil; Sorrow, Rage, & Envy. From these points, and wanting to release myself from the secret bondage I felt confined by, I attempted to capture myself in a moment of tragedy, wanting to have a completed image of the emotional side I was desperate to release. From this, the following came into being:

Rage & Sorrow respectively.

From here is where it gets much more in-depth and seemingly convoluted, and although I’m saving it for my next entry, I’ll end on my most current concoction from this series.

Moirberus, the most recent result of the previously mentioned, from “All Good Things: The Gestation of Moirberus, The God of Sorrow, Rage, & Envy”.

I will leave this as-is for now.

(Source: rionsabean.com)

6am to 12am

Busy, busy days. Busy, busy week. I might just collapse.

Spent 5 hours enlarging and printing tonight. It was quite the journey.

I will have some works featured in WTCA’s first show of its new season; Pulcritudinous. It’ll also showcase works by Gabriel Ramos, Scott Draft, Amy Royale, & Selina Roman. Friday, November 18th, 7pm-12am. Should be some real fun times. I’ll start getting excited once install is over and done with.

Now off to edit. Only light Photoshop this time! Keep it simple?!